I am sick of apologizing for being me. I am sick of apologizing for being sick and not as productive or efficient or clear-headed as I once was. I am sick of apologizing for the passion that consumes me to get Fibromyalgia out of my brain and actually doing something to better our lives. I am sick of apologizing for not going to bed early enough or keeping my house clean enough or taking the time to make myself pretty every day. I am sick of apologizing for not being available at the drop of a hat whenever someone else has a day off and wants to play. I am sick of apologizing if what it takes for me to manage my illness infringes on what you want to do for the moment/hour/day. I am sick of apologizing for having to rest and take it easy after a lot of activity. I am sick of apologizing if my day gets behind me and I need to write and post my blog after the sun has gone down. I am sick of apologizing for not being able to do what others want me to do when they want me to do it. I am sick of apologizing for checking in on The Fibromyalgia Fun House after being away for a while. I am sick of apologizing for not answering the phone when I am in a really bad mood or busy or just don’t want to talk to anyone. I am sick of apologizing for taking care of myself and setting limits and boundaries that section me off from you. I am sick and tired of apologizing to you, but more importantly, I am sick of apologizing to me!
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I am in a pickle. It takes money to start a business, legally protect your ideas, hire the professionals necessary to ensure you are not making colossal mistakes that could cost you a fortune or your intellectual property in the long run. Yet I can barely pay my rent, my husband is working double-time and is about ready to collapse and I had to quit my job because after 10 years, 5 of them battling CFS & Fibromyalgia, 2 strokes finally made it just too much to “power through” anymore. So how do I do this? It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and plenty of people are lurking around the corner waiting to steal what is not theirs. How do I get this off the ground and make the impact necessary to effect change in our lives, the life of the Fibromyalgia patient, and not sabotage my own existence? Do I just guess and do my best as I go? Pray, I don’t make poor decisions that result in huge and costly mistakes down the road? Well, I think so! It’s so easy for me to preach to all of you, my readers and Fun House friends, to relax and realize you are doing the best you can with what you are given. One thing I am sure you all have noticed by now is how gifted I am at giving advice that I do not take!
So I am going to take a deep breath and draw the line in the sand where I stand. I am going to stop apologizing for not being the girl I was in the past. Always up for a good time, easily distractible, and not terribly focused on my goals and objectives. I am going to take pride in my work and recognize that when starting a business it is not unreasonable to invest more time, energy, and resources than one have available. I am going to stay calm and clear in my mind and spirit. AND I AM GOING TO STOP APOLOGIZING! I have done nothing wrong but get sick, grow up and define my purpose. I am proud of who I am and anticipate the momentum, the results of getting The Fibromyalgia Crusade off the ground will bring that badly needed break to the pressure and confusion that consume me. And I will start to see the change it will bring to the lives of each and every Fibromyalgia patient involved as we stand together as 1 strong voice, a collective patient body that will not take the doubt, criticism, or ignorance that is serving to keep us suppressed and down any longer.
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