Pain is personal. It’s intimate. It’s rooted in the unique wiring of a body and the lived experience of the person inside it. So when I’m in pain and someone says, “That didn’t hurt,” the words don’t just miss the mark—they sting in a way that’s deeper than the initial physical pain itself. They erase my experience, question my reality, and shrink my voice into silence.
For anyone living with an invisible illness like fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, or neuropathy, this dismissal is all too familiar. The world is quick to believe visible wounds, but when pain comes without bruises or breaks, others often assume it doesn’t exist. That assumption is harmful. And the phrase “That didn’t hurt” becomes more than a comment. It becomes a judgment.
Pain That Can’t Be Seen Is Still Pain
There’s a common misconception that pain must have evidence. Swelling, bleeding, limping—these are what many people associate with being hurt. But pain can live beneath the skin, within nerves, muscles, and the very framework of the nervous system. It can be loud in the body but silent to the outside world.
When someone tells me “That didn’t hurt,” they’re often reacting to their perception, not my reality. They might not have seen a flinch. They may not understand how sensitive my system has become. But just because pain doesn’t manifest in visible ways doesn’t make it any less real.
The Damage of Dismissive Language
Dismissive phrases like “That didn’t hurt” carry a deeper implication: that I am overreacting, exaggerating, or fabricating my experience. This undermines trust, not only in the relationship, but in myself. Repeated enough, those words echo long after they’re said. They make me doubt my body, hesitate to speak up, and shrink into silence when I need help the most.
Invalidation has psychological effects. It increases stress, deepens isolation, and can trigger anxiety or depression. For someone already coping with chronic pain, this kind of emotional burden makes everything heavier.
How Fibromyalgia Heightens Sensitivity
Fibromyalgia is a condition that affects how the brain and nerves process pain signals. Even gentle pressure, light touch, or slight movement can feel disproportionately painful. What might be harmless to others—a pat on the back, a playful nudge—can feel jarring to someone with fibromyalgia.
So when I react to something small, it’s not because I’m being dramatic. It’s because my body interprets pain differently. My nervous system is working overtime. And being told that it “didn’t hurt” not only invalidates me, it also reveals how little others understand about the complexity of my condition.
Silencing Myself Becomes a Coping Strategy
After hearing “That didn’t hurt” too many times, I began to censor my reactions. I stopped saying “ouch.” I stopped pulling away, I stopped telling people when something hurt, I feared being labeled as sensitive, weak, or difficult. Instead, I learned to suppress. But suppressing pain doesn’t make it disappear. It isolates you further and creates an internal battle between honesty and self-protection.
Silencing becomes survival, but it also leads to emotional numbness. You stop expecting empathy. You stop believing that your pain matters. That’s a dangerous place to live.
What I Wish People Understood
When I say something hurts, believe me. I’m not looking for attention or pity, I’m not exaggerating. I’m telling you how my body feels. It takes courage to speak up, especially when previous experiences have taught me that my pain might be dismissed.
I wish people knew that pain is not universal. What hurts me might not hurt you. That doesn’t make my pain any less real. I wish more people understood that validating someone’s pain is not about agreement—it’s about respect.
Building a Culture of Empathy
It doesn’t take much to validate someone’s experience. A simple response like “I’m sorry that hurt,” or “Are you okay?” can shift the entire interaction. It says, I see you. I hear you. I respect your experience. And for someone who lives with chronic pain, that kind of response is everything.
We can all be part of creating a more compassionate world—one where pain, even when unseen, is believed. Where silence is not the only way to cope. And where phrases like “That didn’t hurt” are replaced by ones that make space for humanity.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Why do people say ‘That didn’t hurt’ when someone expresses pain?
Often out of misunderstanding, lack of awareness, or discomfort. Some may downplay pain to avoid addressing it or because they can’t relate to invisible symptoms.
2. Is it common for people with fibromyalgia to have heightened pain responses?
Yes. Fibromyalgia affects the way the nervous system processes pain, making even minor stimuli feel more intense.
3. How should I respond when someone says something hurtful or dismissive about my pain?
If safe, gently correct them. Say something like, “It may not look like it, but that actually did hurt me.” Advocate for yourself when possible, and seek support elsewhere if needed.
4. How can friends and family be more supportive to someone with chronic pain?
Listen, believe, and validate their experiences. Avoid minimizing language and educate yourself about their condition to better understand their needs.
5. Can invalidating someone’s pain affect their mental health?
Absolutely. Repeated invalidation can lead to feelings of shame, isolation, and depression. Emotional support plays a vital role in chronic illness management.
6. What should I do if I’ve unintentionally invalidated someone’s pain?
Apologize. Let them know you’re open to understanding more. Acknowledging the mistake and making space for their experience is the first step toward rebuilding trust.
When I’m in pain and someone says, “That didn’t hurt,” it’s more than a misunderstanding. It’s a dismissal of my truth, a silencing of my voice, and a reminder of how far we still have to go in understanding chronic, invisible illness. But I won’t let those words define me. My pain is real. My voice matters. And I will keep speaking up—until empathy replaces doubt and understanding replaces denial.
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